on priorities

one of the things that i have really struggled with in motherhood has been right ordering of my priorities. in this stage of my life, i wear many hats. wife, mother, friend, sister, daughter, neighbor. and let's not forget housekeeper, chef, chauffeur, nurse, teacher (among many others). with every moment of every day, i am making conscious (and some subconscious) decisions about which "hat" to wear and what role to focus on. many times, i don't have the luxury of making a choice. at mealtime, my children are quick to focus my attention on their nutritional needs. when the laundry baskets are overflowing and dishes are in the sink, i have to care for the home. i love my husband and my children by serving them in these and other ways. outside the home, i have friends and a wonderful community i live in and it's important to me to maintain those relationships and to serve my neighbors. we serve in our church in a couple different capacities, all of which require some time and effort. and the list goes on. at the end of the day (week/month/year), each one of these commitments or roles occupies some position or holds some level of importance in my life, such that i give priority to it over something else at any given time. and the list does not ever seem to shorten. there are always more roles to fill. more needs to be met. more relationships. more responsibilities.

there are two struggles that i continue to wrestle with when it comes to all of the things i give priority to in my life. first, i struggle to really have right priorities. my walk with the lord, my marriage, my children, other family and friends, my home, etc. all these things are good things to care for. and then there are other things i place importance on that aren't as "good". i choose to focus on what my kids wear or how they behave so i can get comments from others. i spend time on my home because i care about what others will think. i choose to spend my children's nap time catching up on a show i enjoy or by reading all of the internet (yes, all of it). and as new responsibilities arise or needs change, i am presented with opportunities to choose how i spend my time and what things will be of greatest importance in my life. i've heard the saying, "by saying 'yes' to something, you're inevitably saying 'no' to something else. with every "yes", i am closing the door on an opportunity to give of myself to another area of my life. having discernment about right priorities is such a challenge. 

the second challenge i face--once i have my priorities figured out (ha!)--is how to rightly order those priorities. in my head, i know that my first and most important "title" is as a child of god. my highest priority ought to be in serving and knowing him. over anything else in my life, i should give greatest importance to my time spent with my lord. next is my marriage. then comes my children. and everything else in my life falls somewhere after all that. but if i or someone else were to take a snapshot of my life, i'm not sure that's how the order would fall. in fact, i know that i am at my core a very selfish person. i choose to serve myself whenever i have the chance. the vast majority of motherhood is about serving and sacrifice. and much of it is thankless and messy. it becomes so easy for me to justify taking a little "me" time, especially since those opportunities seem so rare. but in truth, if my priorities aren't rightly ordered, things fall apart. when my relationship with the lord suffers, i am a terrible wife/mother/friend. if i am not careful about caring for my marriage, my parenting and other responsibilities suffer. 

none of this is accidental. we see clearly in proverbs 31 a great description of right priorities. fear of the lord. care for her family and household. hard work and concern for others. and what is the result? she is praised and called blessed. blessed. she does not waste time with idleness or place other things above her most important responsibilities. and her reward is blessing. what a challenge! the responsibilities of motherhood will necessarily shift and change as my children grow, and i may be asked to take on new roles in other areas of life. as i consider adding new "hats" to my already large collection, i must always carefully consider whether my current priorities are correct and rightly ordered. 

faithful

last week we celebrated the third birthday of our oldest son, simon. i still can recall every detail of that day. i waited for so long for that day. i think the uncertainty that comes with infertility made that day so much sweeter. i can remember vividly how it began. i remember the conversations we had throughout the morning and the different people who were present throughout the day. the sights and sounds. what the weather was like. i have it all catalogued in my mind, down to the first moment holding my sweet baby boy. there's nothing else that compares. it will forever be one of the greatest joys of my life.
as i was busy making preparations for our little celebration last week, a sweet friend was learning that her tiny baby was lost. we had spoken the week before and felt certain that things were going to be just fine. and then they weren't. at just 8 weeks, she had lost her baby. when she told me the news, it was as though i had hit a wall. the joy of celebrating with her just 10 days earlier was sucked out of me and replaced with a sickly familiar feeling. tears and anguish for what she was entering into were all that remained.
all this week i have been battling with my feelings and my reaction to her circumstances. each and every time i talk to another woman who has faced or is facing infertility or loss, i feel such anger. it feels so unjust that anyone longing for a child should hear the words, "no" or "not yet" in answer to their prayers. when so many children are discarded and robbed of inherent dignity when they are abandoned by their parents or their lives are cut short by abortion, why are there so many who are unable to experience the joy of parenthood? in our little neighborhood alone, i know 6 women who have lost babies and at least 3 who have faced infertility. i have to fight the initial urge to question god's goodness and his love for these women (me included). i struggle to know what good can come from someone losing a baby. i see the pain it brings to marriages. the long-suffering that the mother carries. the anguish of a father not knowing how to comfort his wife. the confusion of young siblings not able to understand. how could god possibly bring about good from these circumstances?
and yet, in all my frustration and questioning over the years, i have been brought to a place of unbelievable peace. in the midst of our loss, i spent a lot of time studying the number of times the topic of infertility or loss is mentioned in the bible. it blew my mind to read about the number of women who waited for years, sometimes decades, before they were blessed with children. in other cases, infertility was used as a curse on those who opposed god or oppressed his people. in each situation, the mention of loss or inability to conceive was not just some extraneous detail or inconsequential afterthought. no, the purpose of including this information was to highlight the power of god in those circumstances. in almost every mention of infertility, the bible mentions that god "opens" the woman's womb and she conceives. sarah waited 90 years to have a child, and god opened her womb and she conceived isaac. (gen. 21). isaac's wife rebekah was also barren, but god answered isaac's prayers and rebekah conceived (gen. 25). jacob's wife rachael was childless for many years before god opened her womb (gen. 30). many years later, hannah prayed fervently for a child for many years before the lord "remembered her" and she conceived samuel. time after time, we are told of the lord's power in opening the wombs of his faithful ones. and he has the power to close wombs as well. in the time of abraham, god closed the wombs of abimilech's wife and his female servants because he had taken abraham's wife, sarah, into his home as his own. we even see evidence of loss in the story of david and bathsheba (2 sam. 12). in all of these circumstances, the lord demonstrates his power and control.
the kicker becomes how we respond. in the case of my friend and even in my own loss, it has been easy for me to default to frustration or questioning of god's goodness. but the lord is patient with me, and has brought me to understand his goodness is in his power over circumstance. these painful trials are not the result of something out of his control. there is nothing that exists that is bigger than his ability to move through it. the hurt is very real. the longing is palpable. but neither the hurt nor the longing go unnoticed. in psalm 34, we are promised that "the lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit." god is present in the pain. he hears the cries for children and sees the tears over those lost. even in the midst of great sadness, god's goodness is evident. in a very small way, i have seen his goodness in the way he has provided for a community of women to care for one another in loss. i may never fully understand the reason for the loss, but being in a position to care for someone else who enters into that difficult journey is a gift. and a tremendous responsibility. knowing my own tendency is toward doubt, it is good to dwell on and share about the goodness and faithfulness of the lord.

loss and longing

the 25th of this month is forever going to be a hard day for me. this year, the 25th would have marked the first birthday of the baby we lost in 2013. it was very early in the pregnancy--just 8 weeks--but the loss was palpable and still is very, very real. just as my pregnancies for both of my boys and their birth stories are etched down to the tiniest detail on my heart and in my mind, i still remember vividly every part of the process of knowing and losing corban. we hadn't really been trying to get pregnant (not at all like the process of conceiving for either of our sons). i had just weaned the oldest about a month prior and had just visited my doctor a few weeks prior to discuss what steps would be necessary if we struggled against the symptoms of pcos again when trying to conceive (<--ill save my story about living with pcos for another day). one morning, i was racing to get ready to meet a friend for a playdate, and just felt a wave of nausea. i didn't feel nauseous with my first baby, so i wasn't sure what i was feeling, but i took a test just to rule out the possibility of pregnancy. and sure enough, we were pregnant. what emotions swirled through my body that day! i was elated. i was in disbelief. i was so incredibly thankful to have easily conceived, especially after the 18 month struggle we endured the last time. i even planned a cute little surprise announcement for my husband. we were thrilled! fast forward about 3 weeks. i went in for my initial ultrasound. my doctor was so excited for us. he's also a believer and had walked through our difficult journey to conceive the first time. and then the world came to a halt. our sweet, sweet baby didn't have a heartbeat. everything measured exactly as it should for our baby for the number of weeks since conception. we had lost him or her within days--maybe hours--of that visit.
the next two weeks were agonizing as we waited for the process of miscarriage to be completed. we opted to let things happen naturally and i had the great privilege of being able to hold my sweet baby just once as my body released everything one evening two weeks later. we wanted to honor the dignity and personhood of this sweet, tiny life we were entrusted with for such a short time. we opted to have the baby cremated and a few months later scattered the ashes along the shores of lake michigan, a place that is near and dear to both of us. we also hiked up into the mountains here in north carolina and planted a tree to honor the short life of our child. we gave the baby the name "corban", which means, "a gift from god, returned back to god."
when the anniversary of our loss passed last summer, we were one month into life with our newest son. we were so graciously given another sweet baby just a few months after we said goodbye to corban. the sting of the loss was so real, even when i held my sweet new babe. his life would not have been, had we not lost corban. and i can't imagine my life without him now. but the agony of loss is still there. and as we approach the day that would have been the birthday of that child, i still wonder what things might have been different. i long to have known that child. it hurts to know that i will never know corban this side of heaven.
as i walk alongside other friends who struggle with infertility or who have known the agony of losing a child, i am still at a loss for how to find meaning in it. i know that god is good. i know that god is sovereign. but i struggle to see the good in friends losing their child at 26 weeks. they are still in agony a year later and have not found comfort or answers for their loss. i struggle to understand why friends have waited years--years--and still have yet to realize the joy of a baby of their own. when so many see unborn babies as disposable and inconvenient, why are there any mothers with empty, longing arms? what i know to be true in my heart regarding the goodness of the lord, i struggle to make sense of in my head. and simply accepting that i may not ever make peace with that is hard. as this birthday passes, i long that i would come to know and trust god's goodness in the hard edges of loss and longing.

i need some space

since having children, i have developed this strong need to protect my personal space. i don't know, maybe it has something to do with the fact that i always seem to have one or the other child glued to me. children don't understand or respect the need for space. take my toddler, for example. he is such a love, but oh my goodness he just doesn't understand why anyone wouldn't want to be half an inch from his face at any given time of the blessed day! his poor brother takes the brunt of this (but thankfully he's turning out to be quite the chunk, so he'll probably be able to set his own boundaries before long). for me, it doesn't quite matter which child needs more closeness on a given day. the fact that one or both seem to be totally dependent on the ability to have physical contact with me at all times is just draining. like it literally feels like they are sucking the physical and emotional life out of me when they have to be sitting right on top of me all the time. they're young (the baby is still very young). and of course i do realize that they are very much dependent on me for just about everything. but do they have to be touching me all...the...time??!! 
the point at which my tank hits empty and i just need to have a break from all the touching typically arrives around 7pm. convenient, considering that's when the baby goes to sleep and the toddler is soon to follow. not so convenient if you're my husband. (warning: mushy and maybe "too personal" details to follow). the person that seems to take the brunt of my new-found need for personal space is my baby daddy. it seems natural, considering he's the only person who truly can understand the words, "no", "not yet", and "not now". and, let's not forget how we got to this place to begin with (children don't just show up on your doorstep, after all). and i could go on and on about how postpartum hormone changes aren't helping, or that i still feel fat with baby weight, or that we should probably just sleep since we're sure to be up with both kids in the night. and all of those things would be so very true. but the thing that i've been challenged by lately, and the thing that i'm fighting against is that all of this is really just a heart issue. a friend once told us (in the years b.c.--before children), that you start to realize a little bit how selfish you are once you're married. suddenly, there's someone else to consider and you have to die to self in order to want and do what's best for the other. and then you have kids. and you realize you are still unbelievably selfish. that's where i'm at. i'm in this really hard place of realizing that i am just so selfish. i feel like i give and give and give all day. i'm a chef, a nurse, a teacher, a chauffeur, a referee, and much more. i cook and clean and kiss owies and keep these kids alive. after all that, i tell myself i deserve some space. i deserve to put my feet up and read a good book or treat myself to something sweet and enjoy some quiet time to myself. then i can go to bed and rest so i can get up and do it all over again tomorrow. but that order of things is so backwards. my marriage is first. even though my day-to-day is mainly consumed with caring for children, i am first a wife. then a mother. and at the very bottom of things is me. i'm not at all saying that i need to be totally neglected and my needs for rest and space and rejuvenation don't matter, so don't misinterpret the point. what i am saying is, i have been selfish. i have allowed all these excuses to creep in and create a wedge. i have placed myself at the top of the list and have given myself priority in having my needs met. then, i've allowed my children to take just about all that's left, leaving my husband with a few crumbs. and i see the results and where things could head. i can see the seeds of resentment or frustration and i know what can blossom from that. i know too many couples who have allowed this system to flourish in their homes and have watched things fall apart after their children are grown. and the opportunity to prevent that starts now. the passage in ephesians regarding husbands and wives is a beautiful command that i need to see in its entirety and hold true for my attitude regarding my need for space. i am to submit to my husband. this is not a servile submission but a coming under his authority as the head of our family. and the piece about husbands beautifully completes the picture in that my submission pairs with the love my husband has for me. he is to love me as himself, and nourish and cherish me. that includes caring for my needs for physical rest and rejuvenation. but we are best partners and companions and parents when both our needs are being met. when we both die to self to love one another better.
so i'm learning to hold less tightly to my need for personal space...

i am my mother

it's one of life's great ironies that we become like our parents when we have children. or perhaps it's nothing ironic at all. there's this chasm of ignorance that exists before you have children. and i don't mean that in a condescending or arrogant manner. you just really are clueless about what it takes to be a parent until you have children. you can read all the books and inquire with all the experts friends in your life, but it just hits a whole different level of crazy when you have a child. i was the loudest in proclaiming my refusal to parent my own children in the way that i was parented. i was a good kid (hello over-achieving, people-pleasing, rule-following, first child!) and i don't think my parents had to do a lot of "punishing" me. that's probably why the times that they did use punishment sting so much. and stick out so clearly in my memory. but there was a lot more than punishment that didn't sit well with me. all that background chatter aside, i swore that i wouldn't raise my children the same way. and in many ways, in our short three years as parents, we have done things differently. but there are also some similarities. and i have found myself on more than one occasion being surprised when my mother's voice jumps out of my mouth when responding to one or another behavior from my two year-old. but, i digress...
my primary point in reflecting on all this is the recognition of how much parenting teaches us about the child that we were and, in many ways, still are. we are still somebody's child. and, of course, we have always been a child of our heavenly father. i feel like my eyes have been opened to a whole new understanding of the scriptures and what it must be like for our heavenly father to parent his children. all the times i find myself frustrated with teaching the same lesson over and over, i am forced to realize that i, too, need repeated reenforcement--and still i fail! when i become exasperated because we have yet another horrible night of sleep or because my son wets his pants after several successful days, i have to stop and consider how patient god is with me when i continue to fail. rather than getting caught up in the anxiety trying to avoid becoming like one or both of my parents, i have to step back and look at the much greater picture. my parents (sinners, like me) disciplined me because they loved me. they didn't get it all right. they made mistakes. but their larger purpose was to point me to jesus. and i ought to have that same goal in mind when parenting my own children.
i have been reading through hebrews this month, and i read this scripture for the first time with the eyes of a parent and not just as a child: "for they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. for the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it." (hebrews 12:10-11) i'd always read that passage from the perspective of a child--the one being disciplined. it's hard to receive discipline. it's equally hard to dole it out. there are several things that stick out of me in this passage. first, the part that talks about parents disciplining " as it seemed best to them". this acknowledges that we are all fallible as parents. the example we have is a perfect heavenly father, and he disciplines us because he is holy and that is his standard. but we just can't do it perfectly. we will have failures and make mistakes.
 the second significant point i see is the part about discipline being painful. as a child, i totally understood this (and could have talked at length about how painful it truly was). but i never once gave thought to how hard it is to discipline from the perspective of the parent. it's painful! it's hard to see your child learn hard lessons. sometimes the lessons are in an effort to protect your child from learning much harder and more painful/harmful lessons. and sometimes the lessons come from letting your child experience the consequence of their choices and actions. either way, it is hard to watch the painful growing that comes from discipline. it's similar in the way god disciplines us. sometimes we have to endure hard things (ever had the answer to a prayer be, "no" instead of "yes"?) to protect us from something we do not see. and sometimes we reap the consequences of our choices and have to learn hard lessons that way. it pains god for us to learn hard lessons, but we have confidence in knowing that we are disciplined because he loves us.
the final big thing in that passage is the promise of fruit. all this hard stuff of parenting will produce a harvest. we discipline our children because we desire that they will be successful and productive and contribute to society. but we ultimately discipline our children because we are pointing them to jesus. we long for them to know the loving discipline of the lord. we know that our role in parenting them on this earth has eternal significance. discipline yields a fruit of righteousness. so whether we parent our children very differently or we become our mothers, our calling is a higher calling. we discipline in the confidence that god can use our imperfect parenting to draw our children to himself.

sleep

up until recently, if you had asked me about the most challenging part of parenting/motherhood, i would have told you--without hesitation--that it was eating. we had some real challenges with our first, simon. he couldn't do dairy or soy proteins from 3-12 mos., which meant neither could i. and for someone who is already gluten-free, this didn't leave much enjoyment for eating. And since that time, he has continued to be picky and has the appetite of a bird. i have persisted and have tried to meet the challenge with patience, and he is starting to outgrow this trait. and, thankfully, the lord blessed us with a second child that is an eager eater and puts weight on without a struggle. he may be sharing clothes with his brother this summer.

but, in spite of all that, there is something that has proven to be far more challenging: toddler sleep issues. i'm the kinda girl who really enjoys her sleep. i need it. i can stay up late with the best of them, but i really hate seeing anything before 7am. it's still dark, people. we should all be asleep. and until recently, there was no problem with that system. i was blessed with two children who really very rarely woke before 7:15. deal. i can do 7:15, no problem. but then, over the last few months, our toddler has started exhibiting some really annoying troublesome bedtime habits. we transitioned him to a toddler bed back in april, when he was 25 months old. and he did awesome right away. no falling out of bed. no crib envy when baby brother showed up 2 months later. he would simply wake from naps or in the morning and quietly play until we went in to let him out. then, suddenly, he started letting himself out in the night. so we put a knob cover on his door knob. then we would occasionally wake to violent banging on the door in the night. let me tell you, i have never come so close to a heart attack as i did that first night. but that behavior seemed to be decreasing in frequency and we felt confident he was a great sleeper and our problems were solved. about two weeks before christmas he started putting up a bigger fight at bedtime. lots of tossing and turning and delay tactics. we blamed it on potty training. and the dark. he got a night light. then we traveled at christmas. we all slept in the same room for 4 nights. our assumption was having us close by in an unfamiliar place would help him sleep. and it did. but it also ruined him for our return home. since we got home (two weeks now, people!), he has been putting up major fights at bedtime. crying, screaming, lots of requests. and his night waking has been horrible too. hours of interrupted sleep for us all. after weeks of trying to decide whether we were dealing with a discipline issue, a developmental issue, or some sort of fear, we've settled on the fact that we're dealing with some major separation anxiety. the toddler mind is a mysterious place. with all the wonder and excitement they feel and can express so clearly, there's also so much they can't articulate. and trying to identify his fears and help him has been so, so, so, defeating. there's nothing more trying that 20 minute bedtime routines that turn into 2-3 hour episodes, followed by 2 hour meetings in the middle of the night. and continuing to hear the panicked cry within minutes of trying to console him is heartbreaking. we have tried so many different approaches, asked advice from so many friends. and while part of me has settled on the fact that we are probably just in a stage that he has to overcome, i can't help but want to throw up my hands in surrender and just give up. we pray fervently that the lord would deliver us and him from this fear. we continue to trust that god is teaching us something valuable and that this won't last forever. we know that it won't last forever. but like each stage (even the tough eater stage), when you're climbing the mountain you can't see the incredible views. but once you get through the clouds to the top and begin to descend the other side, you have the kind of perspective you couldn't imagine on the ascent. the view is incredible. and you appreciate it so much more having struggled so much on the way up.

the lord was gracious in providing this passage in my daily reading last night. "for the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it." hebrews 12:11. as a parent, this verse takes on new meaning. the act of discipline is hard for both the child and the parent. but there's a promise tucked in this verse. discipline yields fruit. it doesn't say that it might yield fruit or that there's a chance it could pay off, but it says that discipline yields fruit. we know that the lord disciplines those he loves. and we are training (disciplining) our children, even in teaching them good sleep habits. we correct bad habits, console where it is needed, and encourage like crazy the good stuff they do. and even though it's hard at times and the outlook is bleak, we can be comforted in knowing there will be fruit if we continue to discipline our children well. so in the midst of this struggle, there is hope.

waiting well

i've always felt an inner conflict when it comes to the idea of resolutions for the new year. if i'm honest with myself, i know that i (like so many others) will fail in fulfilling my resolutions. whether i resolve to make changes to my physical, spiritual, or emotional self, generally i come up short. but there's just something about entering into a new year that begs, even demands, that we start fresh and take advantage of the opportunity to "begin again" in certain areas of our lives.

this year a friend of mine turned me onto the idea of "naming your year". the tradition comes out of the historical practice of lectio divina and is intended to provide a context or a structure for study of god's word throughout the year. rather than resolving to make changes in various areas of my life, this year i am choosing to focus on a simple phrase and the lessons god has for me in that, knowing and expecting that it will ultimately have impact throughout all aspects of my life.

the concept of 'waiting well' has been pressing on my heart for weeks. i feel like so much of my adult life has been about waiting. waiting for jobs, degrees, children, homes, friends. waiting for the next stage. waiting to discern the "no's" from the "not yet's". so much waiting. and we're still waiting. waiting for answers with jobs. waiting for the opportunity to own a home. waiting through the next hard stages of development and parenting. waiting, waiting, waiting. and while i feel so tired of the waiting, i also have this sense that the lord is pressing it into my heart that i need to learn the discipline of waiting well. not simply complaining through the process or rushing along timelines to satisfy my own desires. but truly waiting, with a grateful heart, for the lord's timing.

so this year i am naming my year, "waiting well." i fully expect to be given opportunities to wait. i know it will be hard. the only wait to learn patience is to wait and i know it will stretch me and it might even hurt a little (or a lot). but i am trusting that god will show me his faithfulness through the waiting. i am trusting that he will open his word to me in new ways to show me how to wait well. and i am trusting that he will bless the waiting.