i am my mother

it's one of life's great ironies that we become like our parents when we have children. or perhaps it's nothing ironic at all. there's this chasm of ignorance that exists before you have children. and i don't mean that in a condescending or arrogant manner. you just really are clueless about what it takes to be a parent until you have children. you can read all the books and inquire with all the experts friends in your life, but it just hits a whole different level of crazy when you have a child. i was the loudest in proclaiming my refusal to parent my own children in the way that i was parented. i was a good kid (hello over-achieving, people-pleasing, rule-following, first child!) and i don't think my parents had to do a lot of "punishing" me. that's probably why the times that they did use punishment sting so much. and stick out so clearly in my memory. but there was a lot more than punishment that didn't sit well with me. all that background chatter aside, i swore that i wouldn't raise my children the same way. and in many ways, in our short three years as parents, we have done things differently. but there are also some similarities. and i have found myself on more than one occasion being surprised when my mother's voice jumps out of my mouth when responding to one or another behavior from my two year-old. but, i digress...
my primary point in reflecting on all this is the recognition of how much parenting teaches us about the child that we were and, in many ways, still are. we are still somebody's child. and, of course, we have always been a child of our heavenly father. i feel like my eyes have been opened to a whole new understanding of the scriptures and what it must be like for our heavenly father to parent his children. all the times i find myself frustrated with teaching the same lesson over and over, i am forced to realize that i, too, need repeated reenforcement--and still i fail! when i become exasperated because we have yet another horrible night of sleep or because my son wets his pants after several successful days, i have to stop and consider how patient god is with me when i continue to fail. rather than getting caught up in the anxiety trying to avoid becoming like one or both of my parents, i have to step back and look at the much greater picture. my parents (sinners, like me) disciplined me because they loved me. they didn't get it all right. they made mistakes. but their larger purpose was to point me to jesus. and i ought to have that same goal in mind when parenting my own children.
i have been reading through hebrews this month, and i read this scripture for the first time with the eyes of a parent and not just as a child: "for they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. for the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it." (hebrews 12:10-11) i'd always read that passage from the perspective of a child--the one being disciplined. it's hard to receive discipline. it's equally hard to dole it out. there are several things that stick out of me in this passage. first, the part that talks about parents disciplining " as it seemed best to them". this acknowledges that we are all fallible as parents. the example we have is a perfect heavenly father, and he disciplines us because he is holy and that is his standard. but we just can't do it perfectly. we will have failures and make mistakes.
 the second significant point i see is the part about discipline being painful. as a child, i totally understood this (and could have talked at length about how painful it truly was). but i never once gave thought to how hard it is to discipline from the perspective of the parent. it's painful! it's hard to see your child learn hard lessons. sometimes the lessons are in an effort to protect your child from learning much harder and more painful/harmful lessons. and sometimes the lessons come from letting your child experience the consequence of their choices and actions. either way, it is hard to watch the painful growing that comes from discipline. it's similar in the way god disciplines us. sometimes we have to endure hard things (ever had the answer to a prayer be, "no" instead of "yes"?) to protect us from something we do not see. and sometimes we reap the consequences of our choices and have to learn hard lessons that way. it pains god for us to learn hard lessons, but we have confidence in knowing that we are disciplined because he loves us.
the final big thing in that passage is the promise of fruit. all this hard stuff of parenting will produce a harvest. we discipline our children because we desire that they will be successful and productive and contribute to society. but we ultimately discipline our children because we are pointing them to jesus. we long for them to know the loving discipline of the lord. we know that our role in parenting them on this earth has eternal significance. discipline yields a fruit of righteousness. so whether we parent our children very differently or we become our mothers, our calling is a higher calling. we discipline in the confidence that god can use our imperfect parenting to draw our children to himself.