i am my mother

it's one of life's great ironies that we become like our parents when we have children. or perhaps it's nothing ironic at all. there's this chasm of ignorance that exists before you have children. and i don't mean that in a condescending or arrogant manner. you just really are clueless about what it takes to be a parent until you have children. you can read all the books and inquire with all the experts friends in your life, but it just hits a whole different level of crazy when you have a child. i was the loudest in proclaiming my refusal to parent my own children in the way that i was parented. i was a good kid (hello over-achieving, people-pleasing, rule-following, first child!) and i don't think my parents had to do a lot of "punishing" me. that's probably why the times that they did use punishment sting so much. and stick out so clearly in my memory. but there was a lot more than punishment that didn't sit well with me. all that background chatter aside, i swore that i wouldn't raise my children the same way. and in many ways, in our short three years as parents, we have done things differently. but there are also some similarities. and i have found myself on more than one occasion being surprised when my mother's voice jumps out of my mouth when responding to one or another behavior from my two year-old. but, i digress...
my primary point in reflecting on all this is the recognition of how much parenting teaches us about the child that we were and, in many ways, still are. we are still somebody's child. and, of course, we have always been a child of our heavenly father. i feel like my eyes have been opened to a whole new understanding of the scriptures and what it must be like for our heavenly father to parent his children. all the times i find myself frustrated with teaching the same lesson over and over, i am forced to realize that i, too, need repeated reenforcement--and still i fail! when i become exasperated because we have yet another horrible night of sleep or because my son wets his pants after several successful days, i have to stop and consider how patient god is with me when i continue to fail. rather than getting caught up in the anxiety trying to avoid becoming like one or both of my parents, i have to step back and look at the much greater picture. my parents (sinners, like me) disciplined me because they loved me. they didn't get it all right. they made mistakes. but their larger purpose was to point me to jesus. and i ought to have that same goal in mind when parenting my own children.
i have been reading through hebrews this month, and i read this scripture for the first time with the eyes of a parent and not just as a child: "for they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. for the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it." (hebrews 12:10-11) i'd always read that passage from the perspective of a child--the one being disciplined. it's hard to receive discipline. it's equally hard to dole it out. there are several things that stick out of me in this passage. first, the part that talks about parents disciplining " as it seemed best to them". this acknowledges that we are all fallible as parents. the example we have is a perfect heavenly father, and he disciplines us because he is holy and that is his standard. but we just can't do it perfectly. we will have failures and make mistakes.
 the second significant point i see is the part about discipline being painful. as a child, i totally understood this (and could have talked at length about how painful it truly was). but i never once gave thought to how hard it is to discipline from the perspective of the parent. it's painful! it's hard to see your child learn hard lessons. sometimes the lessons are in an effort to protect your child from learning much harder and more painful/harmful lessons. and sometimes the lessons come from letting your child experience the consequence of their choices and actions. either way, it is hard to watch the painful growing that comes from discipline. it's similar in the way god disciplines us. sometimes we have to endure hard things (ever had the answer to a prayer be, "no" instead of "yes"?) to protect us from something we do not see. and sometimes we reap the consequences of our choices and have to learn hard lessons that way. it pains god for us to learn hard lessons, but we have confidence in knowing that we are disciplined because he loves us.
the final big thing in that passage is the promise of fruit. all this hard stuff of parenting will produce a harvest. we discipline our children because we desire that they will be successful and productive and contribute to society. but we ultimately discipline our children because we are pointing them to jesus. we long for them to know the loving discipline of the lord. we know that our role in parenting them on this earth has eternal significance. discipline yields a fruit of righteousness. so whether we parent our children very differently or we become our mothers, our calling is a higher calling. we discipline in the confidence that god can use our imperfect parenting to draw our children to himself.

sleep

up until recently, if you had asked me about the most challenging part of parenting/motherhood, i would have told you--without hesitation--that it was eating. we had some real challenges with our first, simon. he couldn't do dairy or soy proteins from 3-12 mos., which meant neither could i. and for someone who is already gluten-free, this didn't leave much enjoyment for eating. And since that time, he has continued to be picky and has the appetite of a bird. i have persisted and have tried to meet the challenge with patience, and he is starting to outgrow this trait. and, thankfully, the lord blessed us with a second child that is an eager eater and puts weight on without a struggle. he may be sharing clothes with his brother this summer.

but, in spite of all that, there is something that has proven to be far more challenging: toddler sleep issues. i'm the kinda girl who really enjoys her sleep. i need it. i can stay up late with the best of them, but i really hate seeing anything before 7am. it's still dark, people. we should all be asleep. and until recently, there was no problem with that system. i was blessed with two children who really very rarely woke before 7:15. deal. i can do 7:15, no problem. but then, over the last few months, our toddler has started exhibiting some really annoying troublesome bedtime habits. we transitioned him to a toddler bed back in april, when he was 25 months old. and he did awesome right away. no falling out of bed. no crib envy when baby brother showed up 2 months later. he would simply wake from naps or in the morning and quietly play until we went in to let him out. then, suddenly, he started letting himself out in the night. so we put a knob cover on his door knob. then we would occasionally wake to violent banging on the door in the night. let me tell you, i have never come so close to a heart attack as i did that first night. but that behavior seemed to be decreasing in frequency and we felt confident he was a great sleeper and our problems were solved. about two weeks before christmas he started putting up a bigger fight at bedtime. lots of tossing and turning and delay tactics. we blamed it on potty training. and the dark. he got a night light. then we traveled at christmas. we all slept in the same room for 4 nights. our assumption was having us close by in an unfamiliar place would help him sleep. and it did. but it also ruined him for our return home. since we got home (two weeks now, people!), he has been putting up major fights at bedtime. crying, screaming, lots of requests. and his night waking has been horrible too. hours of interrupted sleep for us all. after weeks of trying to decide whether we were dealing with a discipline issue, a developmental issue, or some sort of fear, we've settled on the fact that we're dealing with some major separation anxiety. the toddler mind is a mysterious place. with all the wonder and excitement they feel and can express so clearly, there's also so much they can't articulate. and trying to identify his fears and help him has been so, so, so, defeating. there's nothing more trying that 20 minute bedtime routines that turn into 2-3 hour episodes, followed by 2 hour meetings in the middle of the night. and continuing to hear the panicked cry within minutes of trying to console him is heartbreaking. we have tried so many different approaches, asked advice from so many friends. and while part of me has settled on the fact that we are probably just in a stage that he has to overcome, i can't help but want to throw up my hands in surrender and just give up. we pray fervently that the lord would deliver us and him from this fear. we continue to trust that god is teaching us something valuable and that this won't last forever. we know that it won't last forever. but like each stage (even the tough eater stage), when you're climbing the mountain you can't see the incredible views. but once you get through the clouds to the top and begin to descend the other side, you have the kind of perspective you couldn't imagine on the ascent. the view is incredible. and you appreciate it so much more having struggled so much on the way up.

the lord was gracious in providing this passage in my daily reading last night. "for the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it." hebrews 12:11. as a parent, this verse takes on new meaning. the act of discipline is hard for both the child and the parent. but there's a promise tucked in this verse. discipline yields fruit. it doesn't say that it might yield fruit or that there's a chance it could pay off, but it says that discipline yields fruit. we know that the lord disciplines those he loves. and we are training (disciplining) our children, even in teaching them good sleep habits. we correct bad habits, console where it is needed, and encourage like crazy the good stuff they do. and even though it's hard at times and the outlook is bleak, we can be comforted in knowing there will be fruit if we continue to discipline our children well. so in the midst of this struggle, there is hope.

waiting well

i've always felt an inner conflict when it comes to the idea of resolutions for the new year. if i'm honest with myself, i know that i (like so many others) will fail in fulfilling my resolutions. whether i resolve to make changes to my physical, spiritual, or emotional self, generally i come up short. but there's just something about entering into a new year that begs, even demands, that we start fresh and take advantage of the opportunity to "begin again" in certain areas of our lives.

this year a friend of mine turned me onto the idea of "naming your year". the tradition comes out of the historical practice of lectio divina and is intended to provide a context or a structure for study of god's word throughout the year. rather than resolving to make changes in various areas of my life, this year i am choosing to focus on a simple phrase and the lessons god has for me in that, knowing and expecting that it will ultimately have impact throughout all aspects of my life.

the concept of 'waiting well' has been pressing on my heart for weeks. i feel like so much of my adult life has been about waiting. waiting for jobs, degrees, children, homes, friends. waiting for the next stage. waiting to discern the "no's" from the "not yet's". so much waiting. and we're still waiting. waiting for answers with jobs. waiting for the opportunity to own a home. waiting through the next hard stages of development and parenting. waiting, waiting, waiting. and while i feel so tired of the waiting, i also have this sense that the lord is pressing it into my heart that i need to learn the discipline of waiting well. not simply complaining through the process or rushing along timelines to satisfy my own desires. but truly waiting, with a grateful heart, for the lord's timing.

so this year i am naming my year, "waiting well." i fully expect to be given opportunities to wait. i know it will be hard. the only wait to learn patience is to wait and i know it will stretch me and it might even hurt a little (or a lot). but i am trusting that god will show me his faithfulness through the waiting. i am trusting that he will open his word to me in new ways to show me how to wait well. and i am trusting that he will bless the waiting.