faithful

last week we celebrated the third birthday of our oldest son, simon. i still can recall every detail of that day. i waited for so long for that day. i think the uncertainty that comes with infertility made that day so much sweeter. i can remember vividly how it began. i remember the conversations we had throughout the morning and the different people who were present throughout the day. the sights and sounds. what the weather was like. i have it all catalogued in my mind, down to the first moment holding my sweet baby boy. there's nothing else that compares. it will forever be one of the greatest joys of my life.
as i was busy making preparations for our little celebration last week, a sweet friend was learning that her tiny baby was lost. we had spoken the week before and felt certain that things were going to be just fine. and then they weren't. at just 8 weeks, she had lost her baby. when she told me the news, it was as though i had hit a wall. the joy of celebrating with her just 10 days earlier was sucked out of me and replaced with a sickly familiar feeling. tears and anguish for what she was entering into were all that remained.
all this week i have been battling with my feelings and my reaction to her circumstances. each and every time i talk to another woman who has faced or is facing infertility or loss, i feel such anger. it feels so unjust that anyone longing for a child should hear the words, "no" or "not yet" in answer to their prayers. when so many children are discarded and robbed of inherent dignity when they are abandoned by their parents or their lives are cut short by abortion, why are there so many who are unable to experience the joy of parenthood? in our little neighborhood alone, i know 6 women who have lost babies and at least 3 who have faced infertility. i have to fight the initial urge to question god's goodness and his love for these women (me included). i struggle to know what good can come from someone losing a baby. i see the pain it brings to marriages. the long-suffering that the mother carries. the anguish of a father not knowing how to comfort his wife. the confusion of young siblings not able to understand. how could god possibly bring about good from these circumstances?
and yet, in all my frustration and questioning over the years, i have been brought to a place of unbelievable peace. in the midst of our loss, i spent a lot of time studying the number of times the topic of infertility or loss is mentioned in the bible. it blew my mind to read about the number of women who waited for years, sometimes decades, before they were blessed with children. in other cases, infertility was used as a curse on those who opposed god or oppressed his people. in each situation, the mention of loss or inability to conceive was not just some extraneous detail or inconsequential afterthought. no, the purpose of including this information was to highlight the power of god in those circumstances. in almost every mention of infertility, the bible mentions that god "opens" the woman's womb and she conceives. sarah waited 90 years to have a child, and god opened her womb and she conceived isaac. (gen. 21). isaac's wife rebekah was also barren, but god answered isaac's prayers and rebekah conceived (gen. 25). jacob's wife rachael was childless for many years before god opened her womb (gen. 30). many years later, hannah prayed fervently for a child for many years before the lord "remembered her" and she conceived samuel. time after time, we are told of the lord's power in opening the wombs of his faithful ones. and he has the power to close wombs as well. in the time of abraham, god closed the wombs of abimilech's wife and his female servants because he had taken abraham's wife, sarah, into his home as his own. we even see evidence of loss in the story of david and bathsheba (2 sam. 12). in all of these circumstances, the lord demonstrates his power and control.
the kicker becomes how we respond. in the case of my friend and even in my own loss, it has been easy for me to default to frustration or questioning of god's goodness. but the lord is patient with me, and has brought me to understand his goodness is in his power over circumstance. these painful trials are not the result of something out of his control. there is nothing that exists that is bigger than his ability to move through it. the hurt is very real. the longing is palpable. but neither the hurt nor the longing go unnoticed. in psalm 34, we are promised that "the lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit." god is present in the pain. he hears the cries for children and sees the tears over those lost. even in the midst of great sadness, god's goodness is evident. in a very small way, i have seen his goodness in the way he has provided for a community of women to care for one another in loss. i may never fully understand the reason for the loss, but being in a position to care for someone else who enters into that difficult journey is a gift. and a tremendous responsibility. knowing my own tendency is toward doubt, it is good to dwell on and share about the goodness and faithfulness of the lord.